Anxiety

I've always had weird anxiety issues for as long as I remember. I remember when I was a kid freaking out and fighting with my grandmother because she wanted me to go ask for a refill for her drink in a restaurant. I hate asking for anything extra ever, unless its at the point I'm aggravated and angry. My wife(sic) saw this as meaning I didn't want to do anything extra for her. Like she always has odd orders for fast food and such and gets pissed when I didn't want to do it. I don't know, its just an odd one.

I really don't like asking for favors period. Ever. Its probably one of the things that has made it take so long for me to try to get help for myself.

Some things give me crazy anxiety issues. The real trouble breathing, wanting to hide in the closet kind of stuff. Job hunting is one. My ego gets wiped out and I just can't talk to these people without feeling like I'm begging them for something that I don't deserve.

Dealing with money is another. Talking to bill collectors, student loan people, all that mess. Right now that is really giving me problems what with closing my business and having no income at all. I know its all stacking up but I don't know what to do about it. Just trying to open some of those envelopes makes me shakey.

Some of it is an odd pride thing. Like with money, I just can't see myself taking a job just for money. Does that make me a bad person? I mean if I was really starving I'd go work at McDonalds or whatever, but hell, I was already trying to run a business! It gave me breathing trouble just thinking of going and applying for B.S. jobs while I was supposed to be a business owner, a skilled tradesman!!!! I always had it in the back of my head "Who would come and spend money with me at my shop after seeing me pushing carts at Wal-Mart?" It seemed to me like it would have been admitting defeat.

Ugh... my chest is actually tightening and my heart is starting to race just typing this and trying to face, to verbalize some of my issues along those lines.

Apparently anxiety issues tend to go hand in hand with ADD and usually they prescribe Wellbutrin along with some sort of anti-anxiety meds. They didn't give me any anti-anxiety meds. I kind of hoped that just being able to think more clearly and calmly would reduce the anxiety, but it doesn't really. Loops still form, old memories still overwhelm, paranoia still creeps in.

I think I tend to hide my anxiety behind anger much of the time. Its my own way I guess of isolating myself from people.