TESTIFY!

You want to know why I believe in God? Or rather, why you'd better be glad I believe in God, the Afterlife, all that great hoobajooba in the sky bullshit? Because otherwise I would straight up slit your motherfuckin' throat for the three dollars ninety seven cents, 2 stale mints, and half crushed box of Marlboro Lights in your pocket.

I have to have faith that there is something better. That faith allows me to live a good life and turn my nasty thoughts around.

I have some harsh instincts. I do not want to behave, but I struggle to. I am not that worried about man's punishments. Plenty of fuckers get away with murder daily without the law ever catching up with them. Plenty of corporate CEOs get paid very well to condone murder daily and are glorified for it.

Somewhere in my genetic programming there is a man attempting to fulfill his destiny to go out viking, I have to keep him locked down.

All that nonsense about our country being founded by Christians? Bullshit. What is Christian about taking a man's land, either by force or swindle? What is Christian about buying a man and forcing him to work for little more than a sustenance diet until he's dead? There are times when I think our founding fathers had it right. Why can't we treat Afghanistan and Iraq the way our forefathers treated America?

Mr. Reed from Allied Recovery Specialists, I merely hung up on your falsely friendly ass today. I can't afford to send you money, if I could, I would, it's that simple. If I wasn't a God-fearing man I would be hunting you down and using your skull as a mug for my Schlitz Very Strong Lager. Thats right, the VSL.

Scooter, OPP Poopy Daddy Fuckbritches, J-Sun, and all the other pieces of shit that watched an episode of Miami Ink and ordered an ebay tat-zapper. Yeah, you're not in it for the money, you're in it for the art. Eat a fat load of your own excrement. The only people that ever say that are the ones that couldn't tattoo their way out of a wet paper sack. You are taking food out of my son's mouth. If I didn't believe that there was something beyond this sad orb your bones would be decorating my front yard. A nice little gazebo of some sort maybe.

Giggly cunt driving the Mercedes that daddy bought her that she parked at an angle to the curb in a parallel parking space that can't figure out why she should have to pay $50 when all she wants is a dot on her arm to represent her eternal feelings of isolation in a world that will never get her deep need to be herself, whatever the fuck that means. Throat slit, credit cards maxed out, car dumped in the river. Be glad that I'm not an unbeliever.

Everyone else that has wronged me, annoyed me, or merely been of little to no use to me.... Honestly I consider the bulk of people to be a complete waste of my oxygen. I'm still debating the need for your existence.

I think I'm done for now. Is this is a good witness of faith or whatever you're supposed to call it?

Wave or Die

That's right, acknowledge that there are other people in the world besides yourself or prepare to meet your maker.

With the knowledge I have gained from watching zombie movies I have developed a certain caution towards other bipeds that I encounter. Most of them shuffling (and driving) along in pursuit of some unseen goal, eyes straight ahead, brains shut off, going through the motions with no outward sign of human intelligence.

Basic manners usually dictate that when someone acknowledges your presence that you should somehow return the gesture. At least be alert enough to give a slight head nod or something.

The big question here is what to do about those people who don't respond. After you've smiled, waved, and said "Hi!" to someone on the street and they keep trudging along oblivious what do you do?

Easy answer. Destroy them. They are a zombie.

Don't let ethical dilemmas about taking human life bother you, they're already dead. Its a fact that once someone is infected and has become a zombie they are dead. You cannot revive the person that once resided in that flesh shell, it has become an ambulatory plague.

Art School

I think I'm going to start my own art school. Seems like there aren't enough art students in the world, its a need that should be filled.

I've already got some key bits of curriculum figured out.

#1. Supply Procurement

Students will be expected to gather the most with the least. They will be given a wad of crumpled up ones and nickels and sent to the roughest neighborhood in town to come back with everything on their list. The list will consist of things such as a chrome plated .25, an AM/FM autoreverse cassette deck from a 1989 Subaru, and a signed and framed photograph of Jimmy Smitz. They must also bring me back a Dr. Pepper and change.

#2. Inspiration

Substance abuse. Gotta have a substance abuse problem. Caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, rabbit tranquilizers, roofing tar, it doesn't matter. As long as too much of it makes you stupid and dead it works. This class can be integrated with #1 for extra credit. If you can't make it to class with a triple vodka espresso with a Skoal bandit garnish you're not the right caliber of student for this school anyway. If there are any questions bring me a Dr. Pepper and we'll discuss it.

#3. Defense

Ed Roth once published something in his magazine that the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club took to be offensive. He agreed to remove it, and being an honorable man he did, but at the same time he wasn't sure that the HAMC were happy with those terms. Fearing some sort of retribution from the club he spent a few nights sitting on the roof of his warehouse/studio with a watercooled machine gun that was a gift from Von Dutch. Any potato-potato-potato that had rolled around the corner probably would have been well ventilated by the time it reached his door. Lucky for both parties the HA did not try to visit unannounced and accepted his removal of the offending material. Try visiting my office without bringing me a Dr. Pepper and you'll understand a bit more.

#4. Philosophy and Politics

Students will be expected to develop a complete irrational hatred for some group of people. If you don't already have a prejudice you will be allowed to spend the Wheel of Hatred to choose one. You may change your prejudices up to three times a day depending on personal preference. Personally I hate Chalkies, Commies, Capitalists, accountants, lawyers, guys who write television ads, Seat Sliders, Cheese Eaters, Sweaties, and anyone that doesn't bring me Dr. Pepper on a regular basis.

#5. Art

Um.. yeah... go outside and look at some trees or something and draw what you see, while you're at it run to the store and get me a Dr. Pepper.



So that's it. Anyone interested may email me for an application. Tuition is yet to be set but given the caliber of education you will receive expect it to be in the "if you have to ask, you can't afford it" range.