Art School

I think I'm going to start my own art school. Seems like there aren't enough art students in the world, its a need that should be filled.

I've already got some key bits of curriculum figured out.

#1. Supply Procurement

Students will be expected to gather the most with the least. They will be given a wad of crumpled up ones and nickels and sent to the roughest neighborhood in town to come back with everything on their list. The list will consist of things such as a chrome plated .25, an AM/FM autoreverse cassette deck from a 1989 Subaru, and a signed and framed photograph of Jimmy Smitz. They must also bring me back a Dr. Pepper and change.

#2. Inspiration

Substance abuse. Gotta have a substance abuse problem. Caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, rabbit tranquilizers, roofing tar, it doesn't matter. As long as too much of it makes you stupid and dead it works. This class can be integrated with #1 for extra credit. If you can't make it to class with a triple vodka espresso with a Skoal bandit garnish you're not the right caliber of student for this school anyway. If there are any questions bring me a Dr. Pepper and we'll discuss it.

#3. Defense

Ed Roth once published something in his magazine that the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club took to be offensive. He agreed to remove it, and being an honorable man he did, but at the same time he wasn't sure that the HAMC were happy with those terms. Fearing some sort of retribution from the club he spent a few nights sitting on the roof of his warehouse/studio with a watercooled machine gun that was a gift from Von Dutch. Any potato-potato-potato that had rolled around the corner probably would have been well ventilated by the time it reached his door. Lucky for both parties the HA did not try to visit unannounced and accepted his removal of the offending material. Try visiting my office without bringing me a Dr. Pepper and you'll understand a bit more.

#4. Philosophy and Politics

Students will be expected to develop a complete irrational hatred for some group of people. If you don't already have a prejudice you will be allowed to spend the Wheel of Hatred to choose one. You may change your prejudices up to three times a day depending on personal preference. Personally I hate Chalkies, Commies, Capitalists, accountants, lawyers, guys who write television ads, Seat Sliders, Cheese Eaters, Sweaties, and anyone that doesn't bring me Dr. Pepper on a regular basis.

#5. Art

Um.. yeah... go outside and look at some trees or something and draw what you see, while you're at it run to the store and get me a Dr. Pepper.



So that's it. Anyone interested may email me for an application. Tuition is yet to be set but given the caliber of education you will receive expect it to be in the "if you have to ask, you can't afford it" range.